


We're not broken, just bent.

by ohyouwatchusrun



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-05
Updated: 2013-07-07
Packaged: 2017-12-14 02:00:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/831420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohyouwatchusrun/pseuds/ohyouwatchusrun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For two years they had been happily married, they loved each other more and more every day. The pair loved each other more than they ever thought was achievable. But sometimes, very rarely but yet, sometimes, love just isn’t enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. If this was a movie, you'd be here by now.

For two years they had been happily married, they loved each other more and more every day. The pair loved each other more than they ever thought was achievable. But sometimes, very rarely but yet, sometimes, love just isn’t enough.

All in all Matt and Alex had been together for four years. The moment they had met each other, the both of them knew something was there, however Alex was a lot less willing to accept that than Matt was. Of course Matt tried every day to convince Alex how amazing they would be together, and how he would look after her for as long as she would have him. Eventually Alex had given in, unable to resist his childish yet adorable face any longer.

Things had taken off from there, they dated in private for a year before sharing the love they felt for each other with the nation. Not long after that they had moved in together and a few months later he had asked her to marry him. She was hesitant of course, because of her previous marriages being in shambles, she found it hard to trust again. But Matt constantly reassured her of his love for her and made it clear he was never letting her go. She now knew that that was in fact not true at all. But being oblivious to this fact before, she finally gave in and said ‘yes darling, of course I’ll marry you.’

She had really thought that was it. They had a beautiful reception and all their friends and family had celebrated with them. It had been the happiest day of their lives and yet when they think back to it now all it brought was pain, the pain of thinking back to how things used to be and how utterly miserable they are now. On their wedding night, Matt had made love to Alex like she was the only person in the world, like she was all that mattered, and he continued to make her feel like that. For two years he made her so happy, he made her feel so loved. And she had genuinely believed that it was her and him, for the rest of her life, together. For always. Now she thinks that maybe she thought wrong.

After those blissful, amazing couple of years, the cracks began to show. They had spoken about adoption and looked in to it, it became stressful and eventually they put it aside for another time.

After Matt had quit Who, things became far more difficult. Matt was travelling a lot and being the star in many movies meant that he was never really home, and when he was his mind was somewhere else, on a new script or reading reviews.

At first Alex had been incredibly happy for him. The last thing she wanted to do was hold him back and she was so excited for him, and his new adventure, but she soon realised that she wasn’t really part of his new adventure. She felt more like his old adventure, forgotten about after a while.

Months went by and she saw him less and less, whenever he was in the states she had other commitments in London and whenever she was in the states, he seemed to have to be back in the UK. She had thought that after they had gotten married, this would change, and it had. At first they didn’t take jobs if it meant being away from each other for too long. But eventually Matt had to take these jobs and then more and more of them came up and it was almost like he forgot about his life with Alex. Sometimes he would be away for months on end and all Alex got was a brief phone call once or twice a day. It wasn’t a marriage, it was barely a relationship.

Alex was lucky to have her daughter around for half of the year and spent a lot of her time focusing on building a stronger relationship with her. Salome missed Matt also though, they were always very close and Matt seemed to have less and less time for them both every day.

Alex was heartbroken when she realised that her marriage was falling apart, it reminded her so much of her previous marriages and it _scared_ her because she never thought it would end like this. Not with Matt, never with him. She thought that they loved each other enough to get through anything, but she soon realised how wrong she had been because she just couldn’t cope anymore.

The less she saw him, the more self-conscious she became. She was constantly wondering where he was or what he was doing or who he was with. It was no life to live for him or for her. She became so insecure and he would get so angry. She knew he had a right to, but she _missed_ him and she just wanted her husband back.

So one night, laying in bed crying down the phone to him, she tells him just that and she clings to the pillow where his head should be resting and breathes in the scent that’s barely there anymore because he’s been away for three weeks now. She hadn’t seen her husband in three weeks and it breaks her heart.

“Lex,” Matt sighed down the phone and she just constantly feels like she’s irritating him. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

Alex took a deep breath trying to calm her breathing and keep more tears from falling.

“I just- I miss you Matt.” She says with a sob and places her hand over her mouth trying to control it.

“Oh love” he breathes and he seems exhausted and she just wants to be there with him and hold him, or for him to hold her. She just wants to be with him wherever he is. But she needs to work and any job she gets now is vital. She’s not young anymore and she needs all the work she can get.

“I know you miss me. I miss you too. But I’ll be home soon okay? I’ve got to go now.” He says tone a lot lighter than before and she hates him for suddenly seeming okay again and just brushing it off.

“No.” she says voice harsh and all evidence of tears in her voice suddenly vanished. “I don’t mean ‘I miss you because you’re not here’ Matt. I mean ‘I miss you even when you are here because even then, you’re not really _here’._ She says wiping at her eyes and willing herself to be strong because she can’t keep brushing this off. He needs to know how she feels.

Matt goes to talk but Alex speaks over him becoming angry at the situation and realising that she can’t do it anymore. She can’t pretend anymore. “When I call you, you never seem to have time for me.” She begins sniffling and stifling a small sob, wanting to just break down. But she carries on because she tells herself that she _has to be strong._ “And when you come home you don’t seem to have time for me. You always dismiss it when I tell you I want you to come home, and when I tell you how much I miss you. And worse than that, you don’t have time for Salome anymore either, she misses you. I miss you. But not the you that you are now. Because that isn’t _you._ I don’t know who you are anymore, you’re not the man I married because the man I married loved me with all of his heart. And the man you are now, well I’m not even sure he loves me at all anymore.” She whispers the last bit, finally letting the tears take over again and unable to control the sob that comes from her lips.

Matt is silent on the other end for some time, unsure of what to say and completely stunned that she could think that, of course he loves her, he hadn’t even realised that she’d felt that way. And then he realises what a complete dick he had been. She was right, he was never really there for her now and he automatically felt terrible. He went to apologise, to explain but she cut him off.

“Oh Lex, God I am so, so sor-”

“You know what Matt” Alex says trying to control her breathing and remain calm. “I love you. I do, I love you with everything I have. But I can’t do this if you aren’t in it like I am, and this is breaking my heart because I was so sure. You promised me that you would never leave, that you would always love me. On our wedding day, in your vows, you promised to love me regardless, you said that you would never leave for long, you promised to never leave me on my own. But really, you’re already gone and I don’t feel like you love me anymore, I’m more alone than ever. Maybe this is for the best. Maybe-“ Another sob comes from her side of the phone but she soldiers on, unable to show how utterly weak she feels in that moment. Because saying this is going to break her hear more than it’s ever been broken before.

“Maybe this has to be the end. Because it’s clear that it isn’t what you want anymore. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let this go, that I would never give up on us. But I think maybe you have, and I can’t live with that. When you come home, whenever that is, I’ll be waiting like I always am. We can talk properly then but I think…I think m- maybe this is the end.” She stifles yet another sob and the tears are falling uncontrollably now.

This is far from what she wants, because she never ever wanted to lose him. But she thinks that maybe it’s what he wants and he just doesn’t have the heart to tell her. She’s miserable because of the way things had turned out. And she’s miserable that she’s basically willing to end their marriage. But she thinks that her being miserable is better than the both of them being miserable, and it’s clear that Matt isn’t happy.

“We’ll talk more when you’re home but I just don’t think this is working anymore. More than anything I wish it was, because I don’t know how I’m going to live without you now. But I’ve had some practice and I think that’s what you want and I think it’s the only way you’ll be happy and so I have to do this.”

Matt is stunned in to silence on the other end of the line, tears streaming down his face at her words because he doesn’t know how she could think that he doesn’t love her because he does, with all of him, everything he has he loves her with. He never wants their marriage to end, he could never be happy without her but he realises he hasn’t done a very good job at showing that.

Sniffling in to the phone Matt begins to speak in a quiet voice, telling himself that this can’t be happening. It can’t be over. He knows how bad it has been lately but he thought that it was still going to be fine, it was just a blip.

“Lex” he breathes trying to keep himself calm, “Look I’m s- I’m sorry okay? But we can work this out yeah? This isn’t the end is it Alex? It can’t be and I know you don’t mean that. I’m sorry for everything, I am and when I’m back in a few weeks we’ll talk. I promise. I love you.” He whispers the last three words unable to keep up the façade of being fine.

The only reply he gets from Alex is “We’ll talk when you’re home Matt.” Before she disconnects and he properly lets himself break down then. Because he had been so blind, he didn’t realise how much she was hurting and how distant he had been. He misses her too, he just got sidetracked, he was trying to focus on making money, they were going to adopt and he just wanted to have money to give them all a perfect life, but now he had ruined all that. He had been so busy on focusing on his career and making money for that that he hadn’t realised that his marriage was falling apart day by day. Breathing heavily and sliding to the floor of his hotel room floor where he had been pacing for what seemed like ever. Matt grasps the phone tightly looking at the picture of him, Alex and Salome at the park.

“I do love you” he whispers before placing his head in his hands and crying uncontrollably, wishing he hadn’t been such an idiot. Wishing he could make it up to her, telling himself that he’ll call her back when he’s got his emotions under check. Promising to fix his marriage because he can’t live without Alex, it just wouldn’t be possible. She has a piece of him and he can’t imagine his life without her. He wants to smash his own face in for hurting his Alex, just like those other bastards. He realises he was no better and he heats himself for it.

Back in London, Alex lay curled up on her bed, sobbing uncontrollably. It was the hardest thing she had ever had to do, speaking about him not loving her. About them not working.

She wanted to believe that he was right, and that they would work it out. But she knew that if he cared so much, if he was so worried about their marriage and wanted to make it work, he would be on a flight that evening. He would be there as soon as he could be. And that’s when she knows, it really is over. 


	2. She deserves better.

After she hangs up the phone, Matt tries to call back multiple times but she never answers. He leaves her many voicemails pleading her to just answer her phone, telling her he loves her. He begs and pleads for her to just listen to him, and all over her bloody voicemail.

“Lex, darling. Listen to me I just need you to answer your phone. I love you, please, please know that. I’ll come home okay? I will just give me a couple of days to sort things out here and I’ll be home. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I love you.”

He sits there contemplating his choices. He goes over and over her words in his head, thinks about everything she had said and he realises that he needs to do something and fast. Because she thinks that he doesn’t love her and that he no longer has time for her and she couldn’t be more wrong. He understands then though, that lately he hadn’t done a very good job at all at showing her just how much he loved her.

He thinks back to their wedding day and all the promises he had made her. And he knows that he hasn’t kept them. He promised to never hurt her but in that moment he knew she was sitting in their home, alone, utterly broken. He had to fix it. He had to do something and fast.

Not knowing what to do, because what if she wanted time to cool down? To think over things? He calls the only person that could possibly help him. 

  


\---

  


Alex lay in her bed for hours willing herself to just fall asleep, but the constant flow of tears stopped her from being able to do so. She had listened to most of his messages, until she heard ‘just give me a couple of days to sort things out here and I’ll be home’ and that was enough for her. Because it became clear that work was more important than her, and she wondered when it had turned to that.

She remembers when he would do anything to get to her if she was hurting, when he would drop everything to go to her and hold her tight while she cried. And a year or so ago, if she had mentioned it being the end for them, he would have been there, as soon as he could, not in ‘a couple of days.’ But she would never have thought about talking about it being the end for them, because there was never a need. She was lead to believe that there would never be an end. She truly believed that they really were forever. She berates herself for being so naive.

Alex looks over at the clock to see it’s 2am already and she feels like she might collapse of pure exhaustion when she stands to get changed. Usually she wouldn’t sleep in anything but tonight was different. She walked over to their chest of draws and pulled out one of Matt’s favourite shirts, putting it on and spraying his aftershave on it. She knows how ridiculous she is, but she just wants to feel close to him for just one more night. She tells herself that she’ll think about what she’s going to do in the morning, too exhausted to think anymore about what’s going to happen.

She crawls in to bed and hugs at the pillow on his side of the bed, feeling absolutely pathetic and worthless. She never thought he would be one to make her feel like that, ever.

  


  


\---

  


  


  


“Kaz?” Matt asks after several rings and a click of the phone. He was nervous about calling her; they hadn’t really spoken much lately. It was his fault he realised now; he had just dropped everyone and started this amazing career. But none of that mattered if he didn’t have Alex. He also realises how much he had missed his friend, his best friend. He realises what an utter idiot he had turned in to. He had become everything he said he would never be.

“Matt?” Karens questioning Scottish voice comes through the phone. “Is that you? What do you want?” She asks, voice clearly unimpressed.

“Karen, yeah it’s me, look I’m sorry but I needed to speak to you.” He said nervously running his hand through his hair.

Karen sighed and he heard rustling of sheets, “You do realise I’m in London Matt. Not LA, it’s like 3am over here.” She says clear frustration in her tone.

“I know Kaz, and I’m sorry I am, but I need your help.”

Karen lets out yet another frustrated sigh. “You know Smith, you barely speak to me now and you only ever call when you need something. There have been times when I’ve needed you lately, what with Arthur being in LA as well, I could have really used your support through a few things. What gives you the right to ask me for help when you haven’t been around for me at all for the best part of a year. You’re my best friend and I missed you, you idiot.”

Matt feels fresh tears form in his eyes at his best friends words, he knows he deserves a smack in the face, probably more than that for everything he’s done. But he really hadn’t realised, he didn’t know.

“Karen, I’m so sorry.” He says tears evident in his voice, “I didn’t mean- I don’t. I never meant to ruin everything and I’m so sorry.” He says placing his head on his knees crying at not just the seeming loss of his best friendship, but also the breakdown of his marriage.

Karen is silent on the other end of the line for a few seconds shifting to sit up, realising it must be serious if he’s crying, and he definitely is.

“Hey, Matt what’s up? It’s okay, I know you’ve been busy really and I haven’t exactly been keeping in contact, it’s my fault as well. I didn't mean that, well not all of it.”

Matt sighs shaking his head, it wasn’t her fault at all.

“No Kaz, it’s not you. It’s me, I’ve been so stupid and I don’t know how to fix it, with everyone I have been so stupid. I’ve lost everything, and I am so sorry. I’ve lost my best friend and- and…” Matt lets out a loud sob. “I’ve lost her Karen and I don’t know what to do.” He says failing to keep his emotions under checks.

Karen sits shocked on the other side of the line sitting in her flat in London. Never has she heard Matt to be so upset, she doesn’t understand what’s wrong but she feels awful. She sits wondering what he could possibly mean that he’s ‘lost her’ surely he can’t mean Alex, right?

“Firstly you big idiot, you haven’t lost your best friend, well assuming that’s me which it better be.” She says trying a light tone in order to make him feel better but she thinks it might take a bit more than that.

“And hey, what do you mean you lost her? Who did you lose Matt? What’s happened?” she questions worry evident in her tone.

Matt takes a deep breath trying to get through talking to her before he’s unable to talk through the tears.

“It’s Alex- I, I’ve been such an idiot. She doesn’t- I don’t think she wants me anymore. I can’t blame her, I’ve been a fool. But she wants… Oh God Kaz, she wants to end it.” He breaths the last words unable to believe it himself.

Karen almost laughs because that’s ridiculous, he can’t be saying… No there is no way that she-

“Matt don’t be ridiculous! You can’t be serious, Alex would never- no there is no way… What happened Matt?” She asks eventually trying to understand what it possibly could be that he’s saying.

“I’ve been focusing so much on work that I haven’t left time for her. And I didn’t know, I really didn’t know how much she was hurting. I’ve been an awful husband and after everything I promised Kaz and now I don’t know what to do. How do I fix it? She said we’ll talk when I get home and that she’ll be ‘waiting like she always is’. That broke my heart. I really didn’t know Karen, I swear. I’ve lost her. I broke her just like the ones before me, just like I promised a hundred times that I wouldn’t.” He thinks himself so stupid for not realising. He notices only now that after two years, things must have started to go down-hill. It was a year after that now and he realises she must have been hurting for so long.

“Okay. Well I’m not going to lie to you Matt. I spoke to Alex a few months ago and you have been an idiot. But when I spoke to her I never ever thought that maybe- well that she would give up on- You need to sort this out and fast. She deserves better and I hate to say that. Where are you now Matt?” She asks rubbing her hands over her face, sleeping completely forgotten.

“I know she deserves better- she always has. I’m in- In LA.”

Karen tuts and shakes her head. “Okay well let me ask you something.”

“Okay”

“Do you love Alex?” She asks and Matt almost laughs because _of course._

“More than anything on this earth,” he replies.

“And she means a lot to you?” Another question he almost sniggers at.

“She means the world to me Karen, you know she does. She is all that matters. I just got lost for a bit. I’d give anything for that woman.2

Karen lets out a deep breath, “Okay well answer me one more question. If she is all that matters then why the hell are you sitting in your hotel room in LA, running your hands constantly through your hair and on the phone to me; instead of on a plane, back to the woman you love, to fix your bloody marriage?”

Realisation dawns on him then. He wanted to give her time to cool off, but what she really would have wanted was for him to be there, so why wasn’t he? “I-erm well I…” He can’t finish his sentence because he doesn’t know, so he pulls himself off the floor and runs around the hotel room.

“Get your arse on a bloody plane Smith. I’ll book you a flight and text the details. Fix this before it’s too late.” Karen says knowing he’s realised where he needs to be.

“Yeah yeah I will. Thank you Kaz, thank you so much. I don’t tell you often enough how much I appreciate your friendship and I really do.” Matt says rushing to find his wallet, he knows he should tell his director or manager before he leaves but he knows now that Alex is so much more important.

“It’s alright. I know I’m amazing. Now go, go and pick the pieces back up and put them back together. And call me when you’re done. Good luck SmithDog, don’t mess this up again.”

“I won’t, see ya Kaz. And thank you again.”

Then he hangs up the phone and runs out of the hotel room, and heads in a taxi to LAX.

  


\---

  


  


Alex wakes up around noon the next day and while she’s slept till late, she feels like she hasn’t slept at all and she’s glad to not have rehearsals for a few days. She wishes that she was back asleep because at least then she wouldn’t have to think. She wouldn’t have to wonder what to do next of when he was going to come home.

Not long after she had woken up, she had decided to go and stay with her sisters for a couple of days. She couldn’t get her head straight being around everything that reminds her of him. Wearing his shirt to be had been a bad idea, she spent all night dreaming of him and that really wasn’t what she wanted. What she wanted was for him to be there, however she can’t bring herself to take it off. She wants to hate him, she wants to just call it quits and tell him that she really cannot do it anymore. But she can't because she loves him more than anything. She berates herself for being so bloody weak, but she just wants him back.  _her_ Matt, the man she married. 

She begins to pack herself a bag for her sisters, she needed someone to talk to and Nic had always been best at that. She always knew exactly what to say.

After packing all the stuff she would need, getting changed and telling herself that Matt wouldn’t be coming back so she needs to stop worrying about going to her sisters in case he comes home early. _He isn’t coming home early._ She has to keep telling herself. 

She grabs her keys and her phone and opens the door to their London home and steps out of the door. However she stops short before closing the door when she sees him. He’s there walking up the pathway to the house and he looks up catching her eye and she lets out a breath, eyes beginning to fill with tears because _he's home._ And for a second she forgets the anger, so caught up in missing him and wishing for him to be home. 

When Matt looks up and sees her, his heart breaks all over again because she looks so tired and so sad and he can’t take it. He runs towards her as he sees tears begin to glaze over her eyes.

He runs up the pathway and without saying anything pulls her in to his embrace. He worries that she won’t return it but he feels her arms fling around his neck and her face take place in the crook of his neck as her tears begin to fall and wet his shirt.

“You came back.” She whispers sounding so broken and vulnerable and he tightens his hold on her .

“I’m sorry Lex, I am so, so sorry.” He whispers in to her hair allowing tears to fall from his eyes also. He hadn’t realised how much he had missed her, the feel of her and the scent of her. He can’t believe how oblivious he had been to how much he cared for her and how much he was hurting her.

Suddenly Alex pulls back, looking him in the eyes with sudden anger and before he can say or do anything, her palm connects harshly with his face, almost knocking him over. She’s a lot stronger than she seems.

Matt puts a hand to his face, knowing he deserved that and knowing that things weren’t just going to be okay because he came back. She shouldn’t have had to been shocked that he was back. She should always know that he’s coming back for her.

When he looks back at her the anger hasn’t fled from her face, nor has the sadness. She looks at him sternly before saying a quick. “We should talk” and then walking back in to their home.

Matt nods and follows behind her, shaking with nerves about what’s about to happen and praying that she’ll forgive him for the mess he had made of things. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are much appreciated 
> 
> Thank you for reading.
> 
> Enjoy Xx


	3. Tell me. How do I fix this?

Alex was relieved that he had come back, but it didn’t change anything. She was still furious with him. He made her believe that he would always be there and then he changed and she couldn’t trust him now. When she had married him, she didn’t expect everything to be perfect, but she never expected this to happen.

The two of them sit on the sofa in their living room, and it feels horrible. Never did either of them think that they would ever feel _awkward_ around each other. She didn’t know what to say, how to express how she felt. She didn’t expect him back for days at the least and now he was here. Secretly she just wants to fall in to his arms and for him to tell her that everything would be okay, but she told herself she would not be so weak. She couldn’t trust him anymore and she couldn’t pretend that everything was okay.

She’s about to speak, to break the awkward silence that makes her want to cry because it’s so unlike them, but Matt gets there first.

“Lex,” he begins moving across the sofa so he’s closer to her and looking her in the eye. “I am so, so sorry love. I really am I swear-” He pauses taking her hands in his, she doesn’t pull away but she doesn’t react either, she sits with an unreadable expression on her face. She knew this was how it would be, he would apologise and think everything was okay. She worried her bottom lip, thinking that nothing would ever be okay again.

“I was stupid and I just- I got crazy and I didn’t realise how much you were hurting, I swear if I had known, I would have been here. I just, I really didn’t realise Lex and I know I should have but…”

“No.” She cuts him off, “ _Exactly_ that Matt. You didn’t realise, which means you _obviously_ didn’t miss me like I missed you. You obviously don’t care enough about me. I offered so many times to turn people down and come out to LA to be with you, and every time you turned me away. ‘No Lex, you stay there, it’s fine. I don’t need you to come out.’” She says trying to mimic his voice and pulling her hands from his grasp.

“Do you know how that made me feel Matt? You didn’t want me to be with you. I felt so unwanted, by the one person i thought wanted me most. If you had asked me that question, if you had asked if I wanted you to come home I would _jump_ at the chance to see you for even a day, for even a bloody hour Matt. I care about you, so much and I love you obviously more than you could know. But how do you expect me to do this, to continue this marriage when you clearly don’t feel the same.” Alex lets a few tears fall down her cheeks but ensures that her voice always remains clear and strong. She is not going to show him how weak she really is.

Matt sits shaking his head as tears fall from his eyes also. He realises then what he’s made her think, how he has made her feel. He had been reckless and he had been selfish. She didn’t think he loved her; just that was enough to shatter his heart.

“I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything or anyone in my entire life.” Matt breathes.

“Well then darling, you can’t have loved anything very much before.” She says with bitterness to her voice. But that’s how she feels, because she knows what love is, and the way he had been acting, wasn’t love. It wasn’t love in the slightest.

“You really don’t believe me do you?” Matt asks, hurt by her statement but knowing it is the least he deserves. “You don’t think that I love you. You don’t know that I will never love anyone like I love you. I know how I’ve behaved and I can’t justify it, work got to my head and I wanted- I wanted to have more money, I wanted to support you for the rest of your life. I wanted to give you a child.” He says the last sentence in a whisper whipping the tears from his face and taking a deep breathe.

“I know that nothing I say can be a reason for behaving like I have been, but I understand now and I’m sorry. I’ll do anything to fix this Lex, just tell me how and I’ll fix it.”

Alex takes a deep breath running her hand through her array of hair.

“What if it can’t be fixed?” she asks finally the tears becoming evident in her voice as it breaks slightly when she speaks.

Matt’s breath catches as she speaks because _she can’t mean that._ His heart begins to race and he gets to his knees and kneels in front of her brushing the hair from her face and he feels like his heart has been ripped out when she flinches away from him.

“Alex, please. I know okay? I know what I’ve done and how much I hurt you and I will never forgive myself. For the rest of my life I will not forgive myself for being someone to cause you pain. But I have to be able to fix this, there must be something because- I just, I wouldn’t be able to _breathe_ without you. I’ll stay home forever if you want me too, hell I’ll never leave your side again. I promise I will fix this.” Matt prays to himself that she just let him prove himself, just give him another chance. Deep down he knows that he doesn’t deserve it. But they’re Matt and Alex and they can’t be over. He can’t lose her. She’s his world.

Alex wants to believe that it can be fixed, she wants to believe that it will never be like this again but she doesn’t know how she’ll ever trust what he says again. She wants to jump in to his arms and just stay there forever, but she won’t allow him to hurt her again, and for that she needs to leave. Maybe just for a little while or maybe for some time, but if she stays around him then she’ll forgive him within hours and she can’t let that happen.

“You promised you’d never break my heart a few years ago. You didn’t keep that promise, why should I believe you’ll keep this one?” She says, voice harsh and bitter, and she feels awful when she sees how much pain is in his eyes at her words but it had to be said. He needed to know how hurt she was and how much he was not there, even when he always promised to be.

It takes all the power she has to stand and walk over to the suitcase she had packed for her sisters, she still needs time to think about what she’s going to do. She’s glad he came home but it doesn’t make things any better. She still needs to decide what to do and she can’t do that around him. As much as she'll miss him if she leaves, it's nothing she isn't used to. And as much as she wanted him to come home and now she's just leaving, she knows it is for the best. Because when she’s around him, all she wants to do is cradle his face, kiss him softly and tell him she forgives him and that she loves him still, no matter what and to sort this out properly, that cannot happen.

Matt watches as she gets up and panics when she walks over to the suitcase because she can’t be leaving him, he needs her.

“I’m going to stay with Nic for a bit. I need to sort my head out and I can’t do that around you.” Alex says quietly lifting her suitcase and waiting for his reply.

Matt gets up quickly walking over to her and taking her face in his hands, he just can’t let her go.

“Lex, please don’t do this. Just stay okay? Please, this can’t be the end, I won’t let you go. Please stay Alex. I’m sorry, I am. I need you here, I need you with me.” Tears are falling so much from his eyes that they begin to sting and he can barely see her through the tears.

Alex smiles lightly but it isn’t bitterness but more acknowledgment as she reaches up to wipe tears from his face because as much as he hurt her, it near kills her to see him cry, to see him so broken. But he had done just that to her. She had to be strong and she had to go away for a while, she needed to figure everything out. She loved him but she needed head space.

“I know love,” she begins placing a hand on his chest, “because I needed you with me, and you weren’t here. This isn’t forever but I need to figure out what we’re going to do. I used to think of you as someone who would never _ever_ hurt me, but you did; and before we even start to try and fix this I need to trust you again, I need to figure out how.”

Matt shakes his head, lowering his forehead to hers, “We’ll figure it out together, please I’ll do anything. Just don’t leave, I love you, please stay.”

Alex clears her throat and pulls away from his grasp and his hands fall to his side.

“I love you too Matt, but this is something that I have to do. If I ever want what we had back, then I have to do this.” With that she begins to walk to the front door, not looking back in fear of running back in to his arms at the look on his face. As she walks away, she allows more tears to silently fall down her face.

“Lex,” Matt calls from behind her, voice broken and she turns to face him.

“I really do love you. I really am sorry.” He breathes and she nods in acknowledgment because deep down, behind all the hurt and grief, she really does know that. But sorry doesn’t make everything better and love isn’t always enough.

She doesn’t want to see him hurt even more than he is and so she nods. “I know” she says smiling lightly at him and going to walk away again.

“When will I see you again?” He calls out again and she takes a deep breath.

“I’m not sure Matt”

“Can I call?” He asks, voice hopeful and she can’t refuse him of everything.

“I’ll call you tonight before I go to bed, we’ll talk then.” She says and with that, she’s out of the door and he goes to watch her pull away in her car and drive away from him.

In that moment he wishes he was The Doctor. He wishes that he had a time machine and he could go back and change everything but he can’t. And so he decides that he’ll have to think of another way to make things okay. He will find a way to make her trust him again and then he will never hurt her again.

He can’t believe that he messed everything up. After trying so hard to win her over, after promising her the world, he had ruined everything. He prays all day that his marriage isn’t over because he doesn’t think he could live without her. She really is his world and he can’t believe the way he had behaved.

He sits in their room all day, breathing in the smell of her and thinking of how to fix things, he’s going to do everything in his power to make her realise his love for her again. He is going to prove that he can be better and that he will never hurt her again. He spends the rest of the afternoon waiting for her phone call, desperate to hear her voice. And he wonders how he spent so long away from her and he thinks he finally realises what she meant, how alone she must have been. How much she was hurting. And he hates himself more than ever. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really sure about this story any more and I'm not sure it's very good. 
> 
> The next chapter may take a while to update while I try to think of where this is going and try to come up with ideas. 
> 
> Still, hope you enjoy, kudos and comments are wonderful. Constructive criticism welcomed. Xx


	4. But he broke all his promises.

The half hour drive to her sisters, Alex spent crying profusely and trying her hardest to concentrate on just getting to her sisters safely. She can’t believe what she had just done but she is so proud of herself for being strong enough to walk away from the man she loves more than anything and anyone, other than her daughter of course. As much as she hated to see him hurting, part of her hopes he realises then how much pain she had been in. How hurt she had been when he used to be away for so long with barely any contact.

When she arrives at Nicolas house, her sister is waiting on the doorstep and as Alex approaches her, she opens her arms out to her and Alex drops her bag and runs in to her arms crying in to her shoulder. Nicola shushes her, stroking her back comfortingly and telling her that it’s going to be alright. And in that moment, in her sister’s arms, she feels safer than she has in months. She breathes in and it smells like _home,_ which is strange to her because she never imagined anywhere feeling like home again other than in Matt’s arms. That thought makes her heart wrench because she doesn’t know when that stopped feeling like home, she hadn’t even realised it had.

Nicola pulls back to look Alex in the face and wipes at her tears. Alex is so grateful to have her sister there, she has always been so supportive of Alex, through both of her broken down marriages, and now… this one. She hates that, thinking of it as a broken down marriage but she’s coming to realize that that’s what it is.

“I’ll get your bag” Nicola breaks her from her thoughts, “You go inside, there’s tea in the pot. The kids are at mums and Dave’s at work so we’ve got the day to ourselves okay?” She says smiling at Alex, a look of pity on her face that Alex hates seeing, but she nods her head smiling lightly as she walks past her and in to her sister’s home.

 

Nicola walks back in after putting the bag in her spare room. She sits down at the small table in her living room where Alex sat nursing a cup of tea. She pours one for herself before speaking, worried about saying something she shouldn’t but knowing that her sister needed to talk.

“So what happened?” She asked taking a sip of tea and then realising that was a bit vague.

“I mean- I know how you felt for a long time and I know _why,_ but I just never thought it was bad enough that it would come to this… I mean when we spoke on the phone last night, I couldn’t believe it could really be over. Where is he now?”

Alex puts her cup of tea on the table and runs her fingers through her hair. She didn’t even know what was going on herself, let alone explaining it to someone else. It was difficult because Nic had loved Matt. Her whole family adored him and now it could be over. The hardest part is, is that it’s up to her, she has all the power to say ‘let’s start again.’ Or just as easily say ‘It’s over for good’ and she doesn’t think she could ever say that. She loves him too much and she needed him even more.

Realising she needs to speak to her sister rather than just staring at a spot on the wall. Besides maybe talking will help.

“He- well he came back.” She states quietly.

“Really?” She sounds shocked and Alex wonders how obvious it was that he was never there when she needed him. “What happened?” Her sister questioned crossing her legs on the chair and wrapping her hands tightly around her mug.

“He came back and I saw him and everything changed Nic, just seeing him, it made my heart swell, no matter how much I had been hurting I was so excited that he came home. He came back to me this time and I was so happy…” She pauses worrying her bottom lip with her teeth.

“But…”

“But I promised myself. That night I had rung you crying after I had gotten off the phone to him, I promised myself that it must be the end because it just didn’t feel right anymore. I felt like nothing to him and I promised myself that I would stay strong. And then he comes back and he tells me he’s sorry and that he loves me and I know he does. I mean deep deep down I know he loves me but he _hurt_ me Nic. And so I told him that I had to come here to think. Because being around him wouldn’t help me at all. And I had really thought it was over, somewhere along the lines, until he came home today I thought he’s stopped loving me. But I looked in to his eyes and I Just… I knew you know? He looked at me like it was his dream that I was there, like he had missed me so much.” She stops to take a deep breath and realises that she is crying once again and Nicola hands her tissues rubbing her palm along her bag soothingly.

“When he wasn’t here I thought maybe I could do it. I knew it would break my heart because believe me, I love him more than I have or will ever love a man…”

Nicola nods in understanding; she had known the moment she introduced Matt to her that they were meant to be. That’s why it came as such a shock to find out how Matt had been behaving.

“But I thought maybe, in time I would never get over it, but maybe I would learn to live with it. And then that stupid man! He came back and made me realise that I could never do it. How would I leave? How could I live without him?” She asks sniffling and dabbing at her eyes.

“Oh Lexi, honey. I hate that he’s done this to you, I really do. He’s a dick and I swear I never would have thought him to be the one to break you like this. I want to kick his arse for this and hell I will when I next see him. And as much as I hate him right now, I know how much he loved you before and that doesn’t just go away. Nothing justifies what he’s done at all and if you want to end it then I completely and utterly support you, but I don’t think that’s what you want at all.

Alex shakes her head as her sister stops talking and falls in to her arms placing her head on her shoulder.

“I love him so much Nic, but how do we get through this? How can I trust anything he says anymore? He broke all of his promises and I don’t know how to get back from that, no matter how much I love him.”

Nicola strokes her sister’s hair back from her face almost in tears at her sister’s sadness, because she could never cope with seeing the strongest member of their family crumble.

“Well if you want to trust him again Alex, as much as I hate this because of what he’s done, but you’ve got to give him a second chance. If you want this to work then he needs to prove to you that you can trust him. Just like the beginning all over again, you need to start from the beginning and there’s nothing you can do. _He_ has to prove himself because _he_ broke his promises and _he_ broke your trust. None of this is your fault.”

Alex nods before speaking with a slightly broken voice, “What if he doesn’t prove it to me Nic?”

Nicola takes a deep breath in before answering, “Well then maybe it has to be the end Lex. But it’s up to you, I wish I could decide for you but I can’t. I think more than anything you need to sort _your_ head out. Spend a few days, weeks even here and just try and sort your head out. I know how much you love him and how much you’ll miss him but I know you and I know this is what you need.”

Alex knows that her sister is right, she needs to sort her head out and she has to stay away from him for a while, as much as she needs him, she needs space to figure out the mess they're in. She tries to think about what to do but in the comfort of her sisters arms and a place that feels like home, she falls asleep laying across her sister as she plays with her hair. Before Alex even has the chance to worry about it, she sleeps for longer than she ever has before.

 

 

xxx

 

 

Matt waits and waits for her call that night but it never comes and when he tries to call her, her phone’s off. He falls in to bed, their bed; the bed where he spent the most amazing nights of his love and his most treasuerd mornings. He holds his phone close to his chest hoping she'll call eventually as he cries silent tears in to her pillow, wishing that she was just there, with him forever.  

"I'm so sorry." He whispers squeezing his eyes shut tight and willing himself to fall asleep so he can just rid his mind of her never coming home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My god i am so sorry about the terrible quality of this chapter. Just a filler chapter really. I promise to make it get better i really do! I'm just struggling!:(  
> Sorry sorry sorry! Xx


	5. it's just... this is important.

Alex wakes suddenly breathing deep and body slicked with sweat and face drenched with her own tears. She sighs in relief when she knows that it was just a dream and she’s in the spare room at her sisters and Matt’s…

In her dream, Matt had died. She had left him and then gotten a phone call saying she had to go to the morgue because her husband was there. It had seemed so real, and it was the worst thought in the world, thinking about losing him forever. She takes a few more deep breaths until her heart rate has decreased, then she grabs for her phone from her bag and dials his number knowing that she had promised to call him and needing to know that he’s alright. She knows that he’ll be asleep, Nicola must have carries her to bed, _blimey she’s strong_ she thinks. And then she had slept for 13 hours and now it was 2am but she hopes he wakes up. Despite everything, she needs to hear his voice.

After dialling his number, she brings the phone to her ear and to her surprise he answers extremely quickly, not even reaching the second dialling tone.

“Alex” He breathes and she hears tears and worry evident in his tone.

“Darling,” she answers, worried about how upset he had sounded, just saying her name. She’s decided that while everything isn’t better, things are far from okay. But she decided that there won’t be any more arguing, because it doesn’t do either of them any good. She still can’t be sure about what’s going to happen but she knows that she loves him and she doesn’t want him hurting in any way; and the more they argue, the more both of them will be hurting.

“I thought you’d never call,” he says voice quiet. “I’ve waited all day, all night. I can’t sleep without hearing your voice.”

Alex feels her heart melt at his words, she used to be exactly the same, but when he was in LA, she got so used to not hearing his voice before she slept. Now, even though she wishes to hear it, it isn’t compulsory and that makes her miserable.

“I know” she breathes remembering how it used to be for her. “I’m sorry I didn’t call Matt, I fell asleep this afternoon. If I was up, I would have called, and then I had this dream; it was horrible and I had to call to check you were okay and- sorry.” She isn’t even sure he deserves an apology, but she gives one anyway.

“It’s okay, you don’t need to apologise. I definitely don’t deserve one.”He says quietly and she can just see him now bowing his head and running a hand through his hair.

“You had a nightmare?” he asks voice full with concern and she smiles, “Are you okay?- I mean, you’re alone are you- are you alright?”

Thinking back on her dream she worries her bottom lip, it had scared her, made her imagine a life without him. It hurt and it made her realise that while there was so much to fix, she couldn’t just give up on them. The thought of losing him makes her chest tighten and tears fill her eyes.

“Yeah I’m okay” she says smiling even though he can’t see her but she knows that the tears are evident in her voice. “I just- I mean, you were in it and- well you… you died and it was horrible and it just made me think…” She stops to let out a sob and covers her mouth trying to quieten herself, she shouldn’t be so damn emotional, she thinks to herself.

Before she can continue, Matt’s speaking.

“Lex, love I’m sorry but I have to go. Listen we’ll speak soon okay, it’s just… this is important.”

And before she even has a chance to speak, he’s gone and her heart sinks because he’s supposed to change now. He promised that he was sorry and that he loved her and now he’s just done exactly what he had been doing before. She can’t imagine what could be so important here, it’s not like he was working and yet he already found something more important than her. As much as she loves him, she _hates_ him for doing this to her again. He obviously wasn’t sorry at all.

_You don’t hate him,_ she thinks to herself, _you don’t hate him at all you stupid woman._ She scolds herself for being unable to hate him, no matter what happens between them.

She sinks back down in to her mattress tears still in her eyes as she stares at the sealing and counts the small squares that it consists of, trying to stop the tears from coming. She so desperately wants to be able to sleep but she knows that it’s impossible due to her only just waking from the longest sleep she thinks she has ever had.

She lays there in silence for what seems like hours, contemplating what to say next time she speaks to him, wondering if he’ll call her back. What seems like hours, is only in fact half an hour and she’s about to get up and make herself a hot chocolate and perhaps watch some TV to pass the time when she hears a rather loud bang on the bedroom window. 

At first she dismisses it as just some silly animal flying in to it, but the sound comes again, once, twice, three more times and eventually she walks over to the curtains and pulls them open. It’s too dark for her to see but when she opens the window to investigate she sees him.

She sees her husband standing with a pile of small rocks in his hand and a goofy smile on his face and all anger she had for him a few minutes ago disappears in seconds and she smiles down at him.

“Hi” he says smiling shyly up at her and she shakes her head.

“You’re incorrigible” she says in a light tone, but she’s smiling. She can’t help smiling because she thought he had let her down again but I was to see her, he came to see her. She soon realises that it’s pouring with rain and she runs out of the room and down the stairs trying to be quiet as not to wake her sister and the kids.

She opens the door to see him standing right outside and she can’t help herself, she smiles brightly at him and his soaked floppy hair and goofy smile.

“Hey you” she says and she forgets for a second that she was ever upset at him because she can see love and care in his eyes now and she’s just happy to see that look back. She feels like she hadn’t seen it in forever.

“Hey” he says as she moves aside so he can step inside. “Listen, Lex I know you want your space and that it isn’t going to be this easy to just fix this mess I have made but I had to come. I know you told me you needed head space without me but you were crying and I promised myself, the moment you left I promised myself I would always be there when your sad and crying because how can I not? When you’re sad it breaks my heart, it makes me feel a bit lost to be honest. So I know me being here doesn’t fix anything, I know that I still have lots to do to prove myself but I just needed to be here tonight. I couldn’t let you be sad alone.” He finishes running a hand through his soaked hair.

Alex is grateful for him understanding that this doesn’t automatically make things okay and she is also so grateful that he came, because it may be a small gesture but she’s glad for him to be there, she’s grateful for him trying to prove that she’s important. _‘it’s just… this is important’_ he had said and she realises that it was _her,_ she was important.

She smiles up at him nodding her head in acceptance because she knows that he’s waiting for the go ahead that he can stay. He grins that goofy grin she loves so much at her and opens his arms out for her.

She walks in to his arms wrapping hers around his waist and breathing him in as she places her head in the crook of his neck. She pulls back and looks him in the eyes.

“You’re right, it doesn’t fix everything and we still have lots to talk about and I still need time to think, but for tonight, I’m glad you’re here. So thank you, thank you for coming tonight… I thought, well I thought you just found something more important.” She says the last part quietly and he hates the look on her face that he quite obviously put there and he promises to eventually get rid of that look permanently from her face.

“Hey,” he says tilting her chin up as she dropped her head. “I know I promised before and I broke that, and I know it’s hard for you to trust me now but I’m going to fix that. But I will never brake my promises again, and I’ll make you see there. From now on, I will always come to you when you need me and you will always be most important.” He says stroking her cheeks and brushing her loose curls from her face.

Alex nods her head, not taking what he says too seriously because it isn’t as simple as just words, but it’s a step and she’s grateful for him making the effort. She places her head yet again in the crook of his neck and yawns, though she doesn’t understand why because a few minutes ago she hadn’t be tired at all.

Matt pulls back and shuts the front door before unexpectedly putting one arm at the back of her knee and the other under her shoulders and lifts her up. She lets out a soft squeal.

“Let’s get you to bed.” He says and Alex’s eyes widen.

“Matt- no I’m not… I mean things aren’t magically better and I just- I can’t you know. Things aren’t the same-”

Matt cuts her off with the smallest peck to her lips, “I know Alex, I didn’t mean- well I just meant you need to sleep and I can’t bear the thought of you alone anymore so let’s just, get you in to bed okay?”

Alex suddenly becomes less tense and relaxes in to his arms as he walks them up the stairs and she doesn’t understand how she’s tired because she had slept for so long but she knows that she could just fall asleep in his arms. She had missed him so much and this was the first time in a while that he had held her close to him and she knows she should probably still be angry, and she’s still upset, things aren’t fixed but for one night, she’ll allow herself to be happy and content in his embrace.

Matt walks in to the room they usually share when they stay at her sisters together and walks to the bed, placing Alex gently on it. He notices that she’s still in her normal clothes and so gestures for her to lift her arms and takes her top off before gently pulling at her jeans and placing them on a chair near the bed. He then pulls the covers back and waits for her to climb under and she does.

Alex pulls the covers over herself as Matt sits on the edge of the bed brushing her hair from he rface and placing a kiss to her temple. He continues to whisper “I’m sorry” and “I love you.”

Alex’s eyes grow heavy and she pulls at his shirt. “Are you going to get in?” She asks voice soft and eyes drifting closed.

Matt removes his shoes and begins to climb in fully clothed.

“Darling, you won’t sleep if you’re fully clothed, you know that. We’re married for goodness sakes, you can sleep in your underwear around me.” she says laughing slightly.

Matt nods removing his shirt and jeans before climbing in next to his wife. He knows how much more he has to do but he’s so grateful to share a bed with her, to be close to her.

He moves over until he’s as close to her as possible and wraps his arms around her waist pulling her to him as she begins to draw small patterns on his arms.

“We’ve got so much to talk about.” Alex mumbles sleepily. “Things aren’t fixed and I need my space still Matt.”

Matt nods and places a kiss to her temple, “I know, and I promise after tonight you can have as much space as you need. I’ll miss you though, despite everything I always miss you. But I understand, I do and I’ll never forgive myself but I hope that eventually, you can begin to forgive me. I will prove myself Lex, I promise.” He says stroking his hands along her stomach.

“Okay,” she breaths snuggling impossibly closer to him and beginning to fall in to a light sleep.

Before she can full in to a deep sleep however, Matt’s talking again. “Alexandra?”He asks and she smiles.

“Mmm?”

“Will you go to dinner with me?” he asks and his voice Is almost as shy as it was the first time he had asked her and then she remembers her sisters words, ‘ _You have to start again.’_

Alex smiles lightly and nods, “Perhaps some time next week?” she asks and feels him nod against her head. “I’ll pick you up at 7, dress fancy Kingston.” He says and they’re the exact words he said before their date 5 years ago.

Alex bites at her bottom lip because she knows how hard he’s trying to be a better person, to make her believe in him again, and she intends on giving him a chance. She doesn’t think she could ever give up on this man; she loves him in spite of everything.

“I missed you. And I love you so much.” He breathes in to her ear.

“Yeah” she says, “I know.” She isn’t ready to say it back in that moment but she knows that he knows it means that she loves him too. And she also knows that he is aware of how much she missed him.

Alex falls asleep in his arms as her breathing deepens and Matt smiles down at her. That night he doesn’t sleep much, he can’t seem to take his eyes off of her as she sleeps and he’d missed her face so much and only now did he know. In his head he thinks about the date he’ll take her on and he knows he needs to make it amazing because she’s giving him this and he needs to prove it to her. He needs to start from the beginning and take her walls down again slowly. He knows it will take a long time but he’s willing to wait his whole life if it means her trusting him again. He loves her, he is sure, more than any person has ever loved anything.

“You’re my world” he whispers in to his hair, a small tear escaping his eye, because he knows he’s getting a second chance and he vows to not mess it up this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not really sure what you think but i hope you enjoy my lovelys.   
> Kudos and comments are wonderful Xx


	6. I promise I'll be better.

When Alex wakes, it’s to Matt’s strong arms still wrapped around her and she lets herself smile and relax in to them for a while, trying to think of times when she would wake up every morning like this. Trying to erase the thought that she won’t again for some time. It’s nice, she thinks, laying there and trying to pretend that it’s normal and that nothing’s changed and she can still trust him to always be here, but even though it’s nice, things are still so different from how she remembers. After they were married she never got scared that one morning she would wake up and he would no longer be there and now, suddenly she thinks she’ll never stop worrying about it. She doesn’t know why she feels so insecure, because sure he was distant for a long time and things fell apart but he never cheated on her, he never would have had an affair. Would he?

And now she wants to kick herself because why did she have to put that thought in to her own head. Deep down she knows he would never _ever_ do that to her. But then she thinks that he changed and she didn’t really _know_ him for a while. How can she be sure that he wasn’t with someone else? All that time away, she thinks, how could he _not_ be.

She worries her bottom lip, knowing she’s being completely ridiculous and absolutely irrational but the thought refuses to leave her mind, and she thinks it over and over thinking that anything could have happened and she wouldn’t know.

She feels Matt hold her a little tighter and she turns in his arms to see him already wide awake, he smiles down at her but soon notices the worry on her face as she chews on her bottom lip.

“You okay Lex?” he asks brushing stray curls from her face.

Alex closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before moving out of Matts arms and sitting cross legged opposite him with the sheet pulled up over her chest.

“I need to ask you something. And it isn’t going to be nice but I need you to be honest with me alright?” she says not looking him directly in the eye.

Matt nods his head indicating for her to continue but she doesn’t look up so he answers “yeah sweetheart, of course I’ll be honest.” in a tone that’s calm but evidently worried.

Alex takes another deep breath calming herself before eventually looking him in the eye.

“Was there someone else? Is that why you barely called? Were you with someone else?” She asks sounding confident but her eyes tell a different story.

She regrets her words almost instantly when a flash of both anger and hurt cross Matt’s face, she looks down then, paying way too much attention to her hands, fiddling with the ring on her finger. The ring that promised eternal love just three years previously.

She feels the bed move as Matt gets off of it to pace the floor of her sisters spare room and she just knows he’s running his hand through his fringe.

She hears him stop pacing before he speaks,

“Alex.” He says voice firm but soft all the same, she doesn’t look up, fear of seeing the hurt on his face. She never has been able to see him looking hurt.

“Alex, look at me.” This time his voice is a little harsher and she thinks he has no right to be angry, she only asked a question.

When she looks up at him after a few seconds, she sees no anger, only what she feared most, hurt.

Matt puts his head in his hands a breaths out harshly before looking Alex back in the eye and shaking his head.

“I am _not_ him.” He says emotion coming through in his voice.

“I know I hurt you and I am sorry. But you cannot tell me that you actually believe that _I_ would _ever_ do that to you. I thought you knew me better.” He says that last sentence with such a sadness to his voice that she almost jumps up and runs in to his arms apologising, she’s stronger than that though. She knows better.

“I’m sorry Matt, I am. But I couldn’t be sure; you know my first husband, I never thought it of him, I never thought he would do that to me. But he did and with you, you’re younger and my insecurities were worsened. You have so much more reason to be with someone else, I had to ask.” She says quietly brushing her curls behind her ear.

Matt crouches down so he’s nearer her level before speaking again, he hates that she compares him to her ex, because he would never even think of doing what he did to her.

“Firstly Lex, you can’t use my age against me, me being younger is nothing to do with weather I would cheat on you. You know what it has to do with? It’s about how much I love and care for you, how you are all I need. And hell let me tell you something, if I know anything it’s that for a fact I love you a million bloody times as much as your arse of a first husband. You know how I know that? Because I would never even _think_ about looking at another woman, let alone touching one. I would never want to. From the moment I met you, I never wanted anyone else, that never changed. It’s still only you. It always will be.

I know this past year has been difficult and I’ve been a complete, utter idiot Lex but what’s been going on, doesn’t in the slightest mean that I care about you any less. It means I got a bit lost, I got a bit caught up in my career and I didn’t pay you enough attention, I wasn’t around enough. But I’ll be damned if you were lead to believe for one second that I would ever be happy with someone else, other than you. And I haven’t done a very good job at showing it, and so I understand why you can’t trust me but you _have_ to know that I love you. Only you and nothing will ever change that. If you left me, for good, I’d die.”

She shakes her head at that, and he knows that she’s implying that he’s being over dramatic and he can just see her rolling her eyes although she isn’t, he knows she wants to.

“Don’t do that, I know what you’re thinking. It’s true though Alex, don’t you get it? I know I was in LA for weeks at a time, and so you think that I was just fine without you. But I knew you were at home waiting for me, and that’s selfish I know, but it’s true. If I didn’t have the knowledge that I would be coming back to you, I wouldn’t have survived. I wouldn’t know who to be without you and I think, deep down, beneath all the hurt and heart ache, you know that it’s true.”

Alex knows that he’s right, deep down she does know that and she _hates_ how insecure she is now. It’s like the beginning all over again, except now she doesn’t trust her husband, not just the baby faced boy she didn’t trust not to break her heart before.

She looks at him and smiles lightly, “I’m trying my best, I really am. I don’t want to think that of you. I just need time.” She says and he nods his head picking up his shirt from the ground and buttoning it up before picking up his jeans and pulling them up his legs.

When he’s fully dressed he sits on the edge of the bed and pulls her in to his side placing a kiss to her temple and squeezing her tightly. She tenses at first but soon relaxes in to him, she’s not going to see him till next week and so she lets him have his goodbye.

“I’ll let you have your space no sweetheart and I’ll leave.” He says standing up and cupping her face in his hands “can I still take you out next week?” he asks softly, swiping his thumb over her cheekbone.

Alex smiles softly and nods in confirmation, earning a bright smile from Matt.

“I’m going to prove to you that I’m still the man you married. I promise I’ll be better.” He breathes placing his forehead to hers.

Alex doesn’t say anything, just nods shortly. She wants to believe it’s true and part of her does but she won’t put all her hope in to it. He could let her down again, but she tells herself she can’t keep thinking that, she just has to hope he’s changed.

“I’ll see you next week then. Is Thursday good?” he asks, eyes hopeful and she nods.

“Thursday sound fine” she replies.

Matt places the lightest of kisses to her lips and she feels them tingle even as he pulls away and stands up straight.

“Well then Kingston,”

She smiles because he still uses that name, after 3 years of her no longer being called ‘Kingston’ he refuses to stop calling her it. ‘It’s a brilliant name!’ has always been his argument.

“until next Thursday” he says with a small smile.

“Till next Thursday. Bye Matt” she says quietly. She always has hated saying goodbye to him.

Matt walks to the door before turning around and looking at her with so much love that she almost stops breathing.

“I’ll miss you sweetheart.” He says smiling at her lightly with the smallest bit of sadness in his look before he opens the door and leaves the room.

Alex’s heart swells, “I’ll miss you too” she whispers as she watches him walk down the corridor. She’s determined not to be sad now, because they’re starting again and even though they’re not together, she knows that he’s sleeping in their home, half an hour away, and she knows that this time, he’ll miss her just as much as she’ll miss him.

Matt makes it to the bottom of the stair before Nicola corners him, armed with a spatula as she had been making the kids pancakes when she heard him walk down the stairs. Matt can’t help but smirk at the sight, even if he is scared, because he knows what she’s like and anyone that hurts Alex needs a good beating when it come to Nic.

He half expects her to knee him in the nuts and half expects her to hit him round the head with the spatula, neither occur though. Instead she looks him in the eyes, incredibly close and seemingly knowing no bounds of personal space before speaking to him in a tone he as only heard once before, when she had warned him about hurting her the very day he met her.

“You better be fixing this Matthew, because of them all, you were my bloody favourite. So fix this and _never_ hurt her again, got it? Because Matthew Smith, if you ever hurt her again, I will shove this spatula where the sun don’t shine, alright?”

Matt almost smiles at her fierceness but he knows better, she is both the kindest person he knows and also the scariest. He nods his head at her and she lowers the spatula.

“I’ll fix it Nic, and I swear I will never mess it up again” he says holding out his pinky to her.

She rolls her eyes and it reminds him so much of Alex that he can’t help but smile brightly. Nicola twist her pinky around his before letting go and poking at his chest.

“Now go sort out this date, and make it the best date she’s ever been on. You broke her trust and you need to build it up again, so you need to be 10 times better than you were before alright? Build her trust up all over again, and this time, don’t fuck up.” She says, voice still stern but a certain lightness to it now. Matt really does get on with Nicola, always has since the moment her met  her and he knows that she thinks that him and Alex are made for each other, and he is so grateful for her support from the beginning of their relationship, to now.

“I know, I will, I’ll be better. Look after her for alright? While I can’t be here, look after he, please.”

Nicola nods patting his cheek, “I will, now go plan something amazing you big oaf.”

Matt nods, walking towards the front door, opening it before turning back around.

“You know Nic, you really need to stop ear wigging, it’s rude” he says ducking out the door before the spatula she throws can hit him right in the face. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a while to update... idk
> 
> hope you enjoy  
> Comments and Kudos are wonderful Xx


	7. What now?

Alex and her sister sit on a Thursday morning in a small hole in the wall café round the corner from Nicolas home, both nursing a cup of coffee in comfortable silence. Nicola looks over at her sister and knows the look on her face extremely well, it’s the look she had before the very first time.

“Are you nervous?” Nicola asks breaking the silence that had lasted a rather long time. “I mean, it seems ridiculous that I’m asking that, but you seem nervous.”

Alex takes a sip of her coffee before putting it on the small square table they sit at and nodding her head slightly, not looking up. Her and Nic hadn’t really had all that much time to talk about anything. While Nic was a primary school teacher and was in the middle of the holidays, she had loads of time, but Alex didn’t. After a couple days break, she had to carry on travelling every day to her rehearsal for Macbeth and so had barely any time with just her sister. Now though, she had till Monday off, so her and her sister had time to talk properly about the situation she was in.

She’s glad that she has another couple day break, because her work hasn’t been her best. Her mind has been elsewhere, mainly on her and Matt (entirely on Matt), and she’s had difficulty getting in to character and she constantly scolds herself for letting this get in the way. She and Matt speak daily, whenever she has a free minute he seems to be calling her. It makes her feel slightly better that he always wants to talk to her. She knows how much of an effort he is making to fix things and she thinks that maybe things are going to be fine after all.

Remembering her sisters question, Alex bites lightly at her bottom lip, it’s ridiculous that she’s nervous, but it was Thursday and she would be going on her date with Matt that evening. _He’s your husband Alex,_ she tells herself, _stop being so bloody ridiculous._

But she can’t deny it. She’s terrified,

“Nic, I haven’t stopped worrying since I woke up this morning. Hell, I haven’t stopped worrying since this time last week. It’s crazy.” She says shaking her head and curling her hands back around her mug and sighing heavily.

Nicola smiles and reaches over placing her hand on her sisters arm. “What are you worried about? It’s just Matt Lexi okay? Still Matt, I know what he did, but when I spoke to him, he was still there, he was still Matt.”

Alex smiles lightly looking up at her sister and nodding. “Yeah, you are right and I know that. I know that deep down he’s still Matt, but he changed before and what’s to say he won’t change again. What if we start over, and we go on this date and he decides that he might as well get out while he can. What if he decides that he can’t be bothered to fight?” Alex pinches her nose sighing in frustration at her own words because she’s being pathetic but she can’t help herself. “Maybe I just shouldn’t go.”

Nicola almost laughs, she knows Matt and she knows that despite what he’s done before, he will always fight for her. No matter how angry she was with Matt, she knew him well enough to know that he would fix this and he would never make the same mistakes again. She only had to look at him to see the love shining in his eyes, it was sweetly sickening, Alex’s judgement had just been clouded by her past the whole time that it was hard for her to see it. However, knowing that saying this to Alex won’t be enough, she goes for a different approach.

“Yeah no, you’re probably right.” Nicola says taking her hand from her sisters arm and taking another sip of her coffee before continuing. “Don’t go, I mean you’re completely right. It isn’t worth it Alex. What’s the point?”

Nicola sees her sisters face flash with anger and her brow furrows and she knows that it’s worked. She smiles to herself as Alex begins to talk.

“The point, Nicola, is that he’s my husband and despite being nervous and scared, I am not willing to just give up. The point is that I love that man and I’ll be damned if I don’t go and try and work this out. The _point_ is that I _know_ that we can work this out and I don’t intend on just throwing this away like it’s nothing. No matter how bloody scared I am. Because this is everything.” Alex finishes, exasperated and placing her hands together tightly on the table after waving them about during her little speech.

When she looks at her sister she sees her smiling, a brow raised in that all knowing way and Alex breaks out in to a grin and lifts her hand to swat her sister on the arm.  

Nicola just laughs, glad that she’s proven her pint, before gulping the last sip of her coffee and standing from her chair.

“Come on you crazy curly haired woman, we’ve got a dress to buy.” Nicola says walking away as Alex goes to get up, shaking her head and smiling at her sister. She really knows her better than she knows herself.

 

Xxx

 

Alex stands in her sisters spare room looking in the mirror worrying her bottom lip. She’s got a half hour till Matt’s supposed to show up and she just needs to make sure that she looks the best she can. She knows that Matt has never cared about if she’s dressed up, or if she wears make up or does her hair. He used to tell her she was beautiful every morning when she woke up and ever evening before he went to sleep. He used to tell her all the time, she isn’t really sure when he stopped, but he had.

“You look amazing Al, but carry on at your lip like that and you’ll have blood all down your face.” Nicola says laughing slightly from the bed she’s currently laying on.

Alex turns around glaring at her sister for a second before her face softens and she turns yet again to look back in the mirror.

“What if he doesn’t-” Alex begins to talk but is cut off by her sister.

“He still thinks your beautiful.” She says simply and Alex can’t understand how her sister always knows exactly what she’s about to say.

She turns back to the bed and walks over to sit cross legged opposite her sister, letting out a sigh. “Nic, you don’t know tha-”

“I do,” her sister cuts in, yet again. “Every time you walk in to a room he can’t take his eyes off you. It’s been like that since the beginning and I assure you it’s still like that now- It makes me want to throw up actually.” Nicola says, face an expression of disgust and Alex laughs, remembering how Nicola would always throw something at Matt. ‘You know I can practically _see_ hearts in your eyes. It’s cringe worthy Smith.’ She used to say whenever they were all together. Matts reply was always the same ‘I swear Nic, I can’t help it. Look at her, she’s breath taking.’ At which Alex would blush incredibly and Nicola would throw something else at Matt’s head.

Alex smiles but is brought from reminiscing as her sister continues,“ I know what’s happened lately hurt, but surely you can’t ever doubt how he feels about you. He messed up honey, but he loves you to bits. I can see it, every time he speaks about you, his eyes light up.”

When her sister finishes Alex nods, she knows that what her sister’s saying is right, she knows she’s just being insecure so she just needs to put it to the back of her mind. “Yeah, you’re right. Of course you are.” She says smiling at her sister, grateful for her words.

Alex goes to speak again when there’s a knock at the front door and her eyes widen. “He’s early” she says standing and looking back in the mirror straightening her dress.

“Typical” says Nicola rolling her eyes before standing and walking to the door of the spare room. “Take your time, I’ll go let him in and tell him to have you back by Eleven.” She  says laughing as she leaves the room and walks down the stairs to let Matt in.

Alex hears as Matt and Nicola greet each other, smiling at their bickering straight away. Straightening her dress and checking her makeup, Alex takes a deep breath, before fluffing her hair slightly and heading down stairs.

Matt stands at the front door at the bottom of the stairs, telling Nicola what he has planned for the night. He’s more nervous that he’s ever been before. Even more nervous than their very first date. His hands shake involuntarily and he constantly runs his hand through the fringe of his hair.

When he hears footsteps, he looks up and sees her standing at the top of the stairs, and anything Nicola says then is gone completely unnoticed by him. He looks at her and swears that all the air goes from his lungs. She wears a black dress that ends just above her knee, it isn’t extremely detailed but outlines her figure perfectly. Her hair could never be anything less than magnificent but he thinks in that moment it looks much more muchier than it ever has before. She wears little make up and he’s happy for that, because she doesn’t need it.

For minutes he is left speechless, he never thinks of her as anything other than stunning, the way he feels now is the way he feels whenever he looks at her. She is always beautiful to him. After a couple of minutes he manages  to speak as she walks down the stairs smiling at him. His nervous suddenly dissolve as he smiles back at her.

“Alex” he breaths as she reaches the bottom of the stairs and he walks over and places a kiss to her cheek.

“You look… breath taking” he whispers in her ear.

“Thank you” she says smiling shyly as she reaches up to straighten the black bow tie he wears and he smiles brightly at the gesture.

The two of them stay smiling at the other, and it feels like the first time all over again. Matt has never been more grateful for a second chance and he intends to make her see how much he cares about her, because he never wants her to feel unloved by him ever again. He spent the whole week thinking of what to do to make the night perfect for her. He spent hours sat with Karen discussing what he could do and where he could take her. For him he only had to be with her to have a good time, but he wanted it to be amazing for her. He wanted to prove to her how much this meant to him.

After another few minutes, Nicola clears her throat. “Are you two going or is your date standing there for hours?” she asks a smirk on her lip and Matt glares at her over his shoulder.

“Shall we?” he asks smiling at Alex and gesturing to the door. Alex laughs and nods her head, walking over to her sister and kissing her on the cheek.

“See you later, and thank you Nic.” She says in to her sisters ear because she had made her realise that actually, Matt was still Matt and things could still be okay.

Nicola smiles before shooing the pair out of the house, “Have a good time!” she calls out as they walk down the path way to Matts car.

 

 

Matt doesn’t tell her where they’re going when she asks, just opening the door to his car for her to get in and answering ‘spoilers’ if she asks anything about it. She’s glad for the easiness of it all, as if nothing had changed. On the way to wherever they are going, they speak easily and flirt as they always used to. While things aren’t forgotten of the time they’re having apart and the things they need to sort, it is nice to be able to act the way they had before all of this. It was nice for Alex to have her husband back.

Alex knows exactly where they’re going as Matt pulls in to a car park just off the Thames walk. She smiles over at him and he winks at her. They were going to the restaurant he had taken her too for their first date, also the one in which he proposed as well as where they went for their first wedding anniversary. Tears fill her eyes as she remembers all the times they shared and she isn’t sure if they’re tears of happiness, or of worry that things will no longer be like that.

As Matt pulls in to a parking space he looks over at Alex and her expression tells him that she’s not okay and he worries instantly.

“Lex, Alex honey are you alright? I’m sorry do you want to go somewhere else?” he asks placing a hand on her leg.

Alex turns to him shaking her head and smiling, “No love, it’s not that. I love the idea, it’s lovely, really.” She says blinking furiously and the tears will away and no longer threaten to slip down her cheeks. She needs to enjoy tonight, she needs to enjoy her time with her husband and she has to have a clear head. She knows now that their marriage isn’t over. She knows that she loves him too much to let that happen, but she still needs him to prove herself.

“Then what is it? What’s wrong?” Matt asks worry still evident in his voice.

“Nothing” she says smiling brightly and he’s glad to see this time, it very almost reaches her eyes. He hasn’t seen a smile reach her eyes in a very long time and he wants to change that tonight. He never wants to see her hurt again.

“Okay” he says smiling and bringing her hand up to his lips to placing a delicate kiss to her knuckles.

Matt gets out of the car, running round to open Alex’s door and holding his hand out for her to take. They walk to the small restaurant on the strip of the River Thames in comfortable silence, Alex pressed slightly in to Matts side as his hand rests on her waist and yet again she can’t help but feel as if nothing has changed. She feels Matts hand tremble slightly every so often and it reminds her so much of their first date, and their second for that matter, when he had held her as they danced, his hands hadn’t stopped shaking once. He holds her waist a little more firmly than he ever has done before and she thinks that perhaps it’s him, letting her know how much he’s missed her. Just as she has missed him. As they walk down the strip, she breathes him in and she wants nothing more than to go home with him after dinner and for him to hold her through the night because she just wants her husband back, she just wants her marriage back.

And then she realises that it’s down to her. That’s all he wants, is for her to go home and yet she carries on being bitter, maybe she has been a bit harsh on him. And so she is completely willing to let him prove himself again.

They get to the restaurant and get shown to the small table in the corner, the one they have sat at every time they have been there. Small tea lights surround the booth and there is a single rose at the place in which Alex sits. “It’s beautiful” Alex breaths and Matt bends to place a kiss to her temple before ushering her to her seat.

The pair order and then fall in to easy conversation, they talk of Macbeth and of how staying with Nic is, the conversation is always about Alex, Matt never allows it to be about him. She thinks maybe he doesn’t want to talk about his time in LA, because of what it had done to them. She’s glad for that. Soon the conversation goes to one of the things they love just as much as they love each other.

“How’s my poppet?” Matt asks and there’s a sadness in his tone.

Alex smiles taking a sip from her glass of wine. “She’s well, she’ll be coming over soon, erm in a couple of weeks.”

Matt’s eyes light up then, Alex never gets over how much Matt adores Salome, or how much Salome loves Matt. The pair get on extremely well and Salome had missed Matt, it had been a long time since they had really seen each other.

“How brilliant, oh that’s amazing. Can I see her? I mean, I haven’t seen her in so long and I’d just… if you wouldn’t mind I’d love to see her when she’s here.” He says but by the end he looks sad again, his eyes almost look glazed over with tears. “I need to apologise to her too” he says quietly and Alex’s heart melts for him. She hates seeing him hurt more than anything.

“Of course you can see her Matt” She says putting a hand over his on the table, and it’s the first time she has initiated contact with him and it almost burns at his skin. “She’s missed you darling, she never stops speaking about you.” She can’t help but realise while she’s been hurting, so as he. He’s just as torn up as she is and she’s only just realising.

“I miss her too” he says quietly stroking at her thumb that covers his hand, “So much, just as much as I’ve missed you. Which by the way, I cannot even begin to explain to you.”

Alex is about to tell him how much she has missed him also, but their food arrives and the two of them fall in to silence as they eat their meals.

An hour and a half later sees the pair finishing the chocolate fondant they had shared, Alex laughing at something Matt has just said and swatting him on the arm. It doesn’t go unnoticed by Alex that Matt hasn’t stopped looking at her like she’s everything he’s ever needed the whole evening and it creates butterflies in her stomach. She feels like a teenage girl, she feels the way she did before they were married, before she thought he had fallen out of love with her. She knows now that she was wrong.

The pair finish desert, Matt pays the bill and the pair walk out hand in hand and all Matt can think about is how much he has missed her and how her hand fits perfectly in his. Matt begins to walk further down the strip along the Thames but Alex stops looking at him curiously.

“Matt, the car’s this way. Has something happened to your memory since the last time we spoke?” She asked laughing slightly.

Matt takes her hand and pulls her towards him, continuing to walk.

“We’re not going to the car silly. This is my night with you, you don’t think that that was it do you?” he says winking down at her and she just smiles up at him walking along side him, wondering where they’re going.

Even though it’s summer, they are in England and it becomes cold at around 9 o’clock and Matt offers Alex his jacket, wrapping it around her and slinging his arm over her shoulder. Suddenly she is no longer cold, and she thinks that it’s not only the jacket.

After walking for 10 minutes, Matt stops looking up and Alex follows his gaze. There In front of them is the London Eye, lit up by bright lights and seemingly empty. When Alex looks at Matt he’s smiling like a child at Christmas and she realises that it’s what they must be doing, going on the London eye. Alex’s face pales instantly as worry sets in. She hates heights.

“Matt” she begins, “Darling, I- I can’t it’s too-”

Matt takes her hands in his looking her in the eyes. “I know you’re scared of heights love, but you have to witness this, I promise it’s worth it, and I’ll be with you.” He says but the worry on her face doesn’t vanish. So he takes his hands from her nervously tugging at his fringe before holding a hand out for her again. “Trust me.” He says nervously and she stands still for a moment contemplating his words, because it means so much more than a ride on the London Eye.

Alex worries her bottom lip thinking about all the reasons why she should say ‘yes I trust you’ and all the reasons she should say ‘why should I?’ In the end though, she places her hand in his, looking up at him with a smile, before saying “Okay.” And he drags her towards the small pod, containing champagne and chocolates. Matt smiles at the man holding the door open before stepping in the pod they have to themselves and brining Alex with him.

Matt looks over at Alex, noticing how scared she looks he squeezed her hand tighter, “It’s fine, I promise” he says smiling that lop sided grin of his and handing her a flute of champagne. “Drink this love, it will calm your nerves.” He says walking her over to sit on the long seat in the middle of the small room-like pod and sitting down next to her. He nods at the man outside and the doors close shut and the wheel begins to move. As soon as it does, Alex turns her face in to Matts neck and he puts an arm around her pulling her against him. “It’s fine, there’s nothing to worry about, I promise you won’t regret it.” He says smiling in to her hair.  

“Swear it?” she says, voice muffled in to his jacket.

“Cross my heart” He says symbolizing a cross with his fingers over his heart. At that she looks up and smiles at him, nodding her head.

After five or so minutes, Alex’s confidence builds as they go slowly higher. She finds the courage to stand up and walk over to the window and the view takes her breath away. Matt stands next to her with his hand on the small of her back, she can’t help but think about how right Matt was, because it is definitely worth it. She looks out and spies Big Ben, she looks at all the buildings surrounding the city and she can’t help but suddenly feel so small. So insignificant.

“You’re the most significant thing in my life. Have been since the first time, will be till the last.” Matt says and she realises she had been speaking out loud. She doesn’t say anything, but leans in to him slightly more, acknowledging how much he is trying.

“Look at it,” she says after a minute, “Isn’t it beautiful?” She says but when she looks up at him he’s already smiling down at her. “It certainly is,” he says and she knows he isn’t talking about the view. She ducks her head beginning to blush, and he has always been able to do that to her.

She wants to thank him, for the evening, for making her remember better times, for being better. She also wants to apologise, for being so harsh, she thinks maybe she could have handled things better. But before she has a chance to do either, he is removing his hand from her back and holding it out to her.

“Dance with me?” He says seemingly nervous.

Alex smiles brightly up at him and places her small delicate hand in his large slender one and nodding her head, causing curls to fall in her face, and Matt reaches his other arms up and sweeps them back off her face. Alex steps in to Matt putting her arms around his neck as he puts his on her waist and she settles her face in the crook of his neck, breathing in the smell of him.

Even though there is no music, the two of them sway softly, and they stay like that for what seems like hours but also seems like no time at all. They hold on to each other tightly, and it’s obvious they have missed each other and Alex realises she hadn’t told him. She looks up then, her hand playing with the hair at the nape of his neck.

“I miss you too by the way.” She says quietly, eyes glazing over with the sheen of tears. “I haven’t stopped missing you for over a year.” She says voice thicker than usual but he doesn’t mention it. Instead he brings his hand up to her face and cups her cheek rubbing his thumb just under her eye, wiping away the tear that had slowly fallen.

Matt bends down and places his forehead against hers. “Come home” he whispers tears visible in his eyes also. “Please love, come home.” He says and her heart breaks, she wants to, and she intends too, soon. But not yet. She just needs a little longer, even though she’s almost one hundred percent sure that it’s what she wants, she needs to be ‘one hundred percent sure’ it can’t be ‘almost.’

“I will,” she says and his eyes light up for a second, “but not yet.” She finishes and although he just wants her back now, it’s enough for him that she’s saying that she is going to be coming home. He’s happy that maybe she’s saying that they’re going to work this out. He takes her face in his hands and places his lips softly over hers, swiping his tongue quickly over her bottom lip, before pulling back and smiling down at her. “Whenever you’re ready.” He says placing his arms back around her waist and beginning to sway softly once again.

Alex smiles placing her head on his chest and feeling his heart beat. She smiles because he’s back, her Matt, the man she fell in love with, he’s back and she’s slowly beginning to trust him, after one night he has proved so much. He’s proved that she _can_ give him another chance and she’s so glad of that.

Before they know it, they’re back on the ground and stepping out in to the dark, slightly cold night. The pair walk back to the car, smiles on their faces, because tonight was just as significant as all the other times they had been to that restaurant, it signifies forgiveness, and a new beginning. She’s never been happier that she listened to her sister in her life.

Soon, they’re in the car on the way home, sitting in compatible silence, Matt occasionally reaching over and placing a hand on Alex’s lower thigh, or taking her hand in his. He can see the wheels turning in her head and only hopes that she’s thinking positive thoughts. He hopes that he has shown her that he still loves her and that he never stopped. He hopes she finds it in her to forgive him.

“Matt” Alex says as they near her sister’s house.

“Mmm?” he replies concentration on driving but trying to focus just as much on her.

“I’m sorry darling. I know I’ve been to harsh, it’s just, I was scared.” She says quietly bowing her head.

Matt looks over at her quickly taking her hand in his and squeezing tightly before looking back at the road and beginning to talk. “You’ve nothing to apologise for sweet heart. There is nothing I expect you to be sorry for. I messed up, not you. I know you were scared and I’m so angry that it’s because of me, but I will make sure you’re not scared anymore for as long as you’ll let me.” He finishes as they pull up outside her sister’s home.

Alex looks over at him and smiles lightly, before he gets out and walks round again to open the door for her and she steps out standing nervously wondering what’s next. Matt shuts the door and takes her hand walking her to the front door.

“I’ve got something for you” he says reaching in to his pocket and bringing out an envelope and placing it in her hands. “Don’t open it yet though, wait until you’re in bed okay? Make sure you’re comfortable and cosy.”

Alex looks up at him confused but nods anyway, “Okay” she says hesitantly keeping the letter in her hand.

Matt smiles and reaches to put his hand on her arm and she smiles up at him. “I’ll be off then love, thank you Alex, for tonight, for giving me this chance. I love you sweetheart.”

Alex’s heart clenches because she doesn’t want him to leave, but she just needs a little longer. He’s told her every day since she left that he loves her, every day on the phone, every day by text, but she’s never said it back. Of course she loved him, but she never felt like she could, this time though, it’s different. She feels like she can say it, she feels like she needs too, he has to know that he’s still her world, despite what’s gone on.

“I love you too darl-” At hearing those words leave her lips, Matt pulls her In to him and kisses her, differently this time, this kiss is full of hope and full of wishes. It’s full of everything he forgot to say all that time he was away, and it’s one of the most powerful kisses she has ever experienced, she reaches up, placing her hands on his chest and grabbing at his shirt pulling him in closer . When Matt pulls back, Alex is breathless lips slightly swollen and wishing she could take him inside and have her way with him. But she doesn’t, instead she steps back reaching her hand up and swiping it across Matts mouth, removing the lip stick she had left there.

“Good night darling” she says smiling and turning to walk in to the house.

“Can I see you again this week? While you don’t have work?” He asks and he’s so hopeful, she can’t help but turn around and nod.

“How about Saturday?” she asks worrying her bottom lip.

Matt beams at her smiling brighter than he has all night, “Yeah Saturday’s great. Perhaps we can spend the day together or something? You know- I mean if you want?” He asks suddenly nervous again.

“I’d love to spend the day with my husband.” She says lightly, “Nicola’s going to mums and I’d really rather not hear the lecture, so get here whenever. See you Matt.” She says turning the key to her sisters door and walking inside, leaning against it as it closes and smiling to herself before walking up the stairs quietly noting that her sister and her family are already tucked up in bed. She goes in to her room, placing the letter on the bed, stripping herself of her clothes and getting in to bed.

When she says that she’s love to spend the day with him, his heart swells and he thinks and hopes that things are going to be okay. He can’t contain his joy and almost skips back to his car, more hopeful than he had been in days.

As Alex gets in to bed, she thinks over the night and hopes he thinks that it went as well as she does, she hopes that it was okay. She sits and wonders for a while, what’s going to happen now, she wonders when she’s going to go home and if he’ll still want her forever. She’s tired of over thinking though, the more she thinks the worse things seem and she becomes more and more frustrated, so instead of thinking, she snuggles down in bed and grabs the letter mad had given her labelled to ‘My beautiful wife.’ She smiles and begins to read it, tracing the words with her fingers.

 

 

_Hello Darling,_

_I hope you waited to open this or I will not be impressed Alexandra. I hope you’re snuggled in bed all nice and warm and I hope that after you read this, you’ll fall asleep and won’t be sad. I never want you to be sad again._

_I wrote this, because I know you, and I know that right now, you’re worrying your bottom lip and thinking over tonight and wondering if it went okay. You’re thinking ‘what now?’So just know, that for me, tonight was amazing. And yes, I wrote this before our date, but believe me, I already know. Know that any time I get to spend with you is amazing and there is no where I would rather be than in the presence of you. I’m empty without you, always have been. All that time in LA, when you thought I didn’t miss you, I did, with all my heart I did. I just didn’t say it often enough and I am so sorry my love, I am so sorry. I’m sorry that I ever made you doubt the way I feel about you, but if you let me I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you._

_I need you to know that I’ve loved you since that very first date all those years ago. I need you to be sure that feeling never went away, my love for you has only grown stronger over the years and never has it or will it ever fade. I remember on our first date, we were sitting for our meal, and half way through eating yours, you looked up at me, do you remember? You looked up, put your cutlery down, stood up and announced ‘I want to dance with you Mr Smith.’ And I couldn’t stop smiling, you make my heart swell. And that night, as we danced for hours, I knew that I would never stop loving you. I’m sure that as we danced and you rested your head on my chest, I am certain you must have felt my heart stop for a second. Because It’s the moment I knew that I never wanted to dance with anyone else, I knew there was no one else I would rather hold in the_ world. _I knew it was just you. And it scared me more than anything, but my heart was under your control and it has been ever since. It belongs to you and only you, and I trust you with it, and I always will._

_So my darling, back to tonight. I hope you enjoyed yourself and dear God I pray that I don’t mess up. If I have then I am sorry and I love you. Forgive me. But if I haven’t then you should know that I might do a little dance when I get home tonight. Well, I say home but it isn’t really home anymore, not without you. I miss you my love and I pray every night that you’ll come back one day soon and make this house a home again. I hate myself for leaving you hear alone for so long, have I mentioned how sorry I am? I don’t think I could fathom the words to tell you just how sorry I truly am though, and no matter how many times I say it, it will never be enough. I promised myself a long time ago that I would never hurt you, and the fact that I have broken that promise brings tears to my eyes._

_I know that you have no reason to trust me anymore, but I swear it, I swear that from now on, I will never go back to that. I will do everything in my power to fix this and never hurt you again. Now these may just be words, yes, but I mean it with all of me, I’m going to be better, I promise. I refuse to break another single promise to you, ever. I’ll never forgive myself for messing up the best thing in my life, but I can only hope that you have the heart to forgive me. And that you see that I can and have changed. Take as long as you need, because I will always be waiting._

_So, Lex, if you’re wondering ‘What now?’ Well that’s completely up to you. I’d like to take you out again, and then again after that and again and again. I’d like to see you as often as I can, but only when you’ll let me. But it isn’t about what I would like, so if you don’t want to see me, then that’s okay. If you can’t forgive me or trust me again I understand, I really do. If you want to end our marriage, if you want me to leave, then I will. You know why? Because as much as it would hurt, and believe me I would never get over it. I would never move on, not from you Alex. But if you wanted this to be it, then I would accept that, only if it was what you wanted. Only if it would make you happy, because that Is all that matters to me and that’s all I want. I want you to be happy, and if that’s not with me, that’s fine, because along with Salome, you’re the only person I have or will ever love enough to put before myself. As long as you’re happy, part of me will be happy, because that’s what love is, isn’t it? Someone’s happiness being your own, and believe me, your happiness is all that matters in my life, it’s all I aim for, to make you happy. I’m sorry that I failed._

_I’m going to let you sleep soon, really I am. But I just need you to know that I love you. You’re my best friend, the most amazing lover and truly, my soul mate. You make me laugh when I think I never will again, when I see you, my day becomes instantly better, just hearing your voice is enough to calm me on a rough day. You are the most endearing, beautiful, loyal person I have ever known and I do not deserve you Alexandra Elizabeth Smith ( I hope you still want that name.) I do not deserve you one bit, so thank you for putting up with me as long as you have, I’m sorry I didn’t make it worth your while. I’m sorry I messed up. I hope you let me continue to try and fix it._

_Now, go to sleep my love and don’t worry about a thing. If you don’t know what you want yet, that’s fine. If you do know, and you decide to give me another chance then that’s more than I could ever wish for and I will never make you question that again. And if you know what you want and it isn’t me, then that’s okay too. Just be sure to know that I’ll love you always, regardless what and when you choose. You have all the time in the world to make your choice because I’ll be here, waiting, for as long as you need me to._

_I’ll call tomorrow and I’ll see you tonight, in my dreams I am sure. My dreams are filled with you lately, you’re all that’s in my head. I miss you sweetheart, and I hope you can find it in you to come home to me one day._

_Goodnight my gorgeous wife,_

_I love you, I miss you, I’m sorry._

_Your Matt_

_xx_

_P.s. You look beautiful._

By the time Alex finishes the letter, she’s wiping her eyes of tears. She has laughed numerous times, and cried quite a bit more, but not out of sadness, they’re tears, some of joy, others of hope. She knows that she wants to make it work and her heart melts at his words of her not wanting to be with him. How can he not know that she still loves him more than she’s ever loved a man. She promises herself to thank him when she next speaks to him. Because he proved to her, if only slightly, that she can begin to trust him again. She finally feels like things are looking up.

That night, even though he’s not with her, she sleeps like he is. She holds the letter close to her and thanks whoever there is up there for bringing her Matt back to her. She finally thinks that things are going to be okay. She thinks that maybe soon, they can go back to normal. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy. Sorry i took so long to update. Thank you for reading.  
> Kudos and comments are wonderful Xx


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